I feel broken
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November 10, 2012 at 4:41 pm #1168
I feel broken. I always try to help. If there is anything needing done, I’m always the first to volunteer, whether it is covering for a missing co-worker, or being in charge, or making the coffee. I want to try and make things better, easier for others. But, I realized this week, that’s not the only reason I want to help. I realized I’m also trying to make myself seem valuable to others, because I don’t feel valuable just by being me. I feel like I have to have something else to give – some service to offer. No matter how hard I try, I still feel like I fall short, like I’m not good enough, like I’m not worthy of friendship.
When I told my mother I was engaged years ago, her first response was, “If he really knew you, he wouldn’t like you!”
That fear still lives in my soul. I’m afraid to let people see all of me, afraid they won’t like the “real” me. I’ve gotten better, I’ve shared bits and pieces of myself with a few, but it’s still hard to feel safe with others and truly say how I feel or think -afraid they will not like me. So I try to win a spot in their lives by what I can do for them, not by who I am. I know that’s wrong, stupid even, but I’m broken. Does anyone know how to fix a broken soul?November 14, 2012 at 3:19 am #1439
I think you are taking a very big step to realize this about yourself. I’d also describe myself as somewhat of a chronic people-pleaser. Part of the reason why I quit my job as a bartender a few months ago was because of that. The job involved making drinks for all the waiters/waitresses, serving drinks and food to bar customers, and most of all being friendly towards everyone. I found myself exhausting myself trying to take care of everyone all the time, and always covering the other bartenders’ shifts when needed. But when I was the one who needed a day off, there was nobody who could cover me. I said no problem, and kept on working and eventually wore myself out until I had to quit.
By the way, if I could change your mother’s words, I would change it to “If he really knew you, he would love you forever.” My girlfriend lives in California, and I live in Tennessee so I don’t get to see her very often. Her parents HATE me. I am not entirely sure why, as I’ve only talked to them a few times. But they do. And I always tell people that it’s because they don’t really know me. Once they spend more time with me, then I’m sure they’d see that I have nothing but goodness and love in my heart. And I’m sure that the people who truly know you, love you and like you for who you are, not because you are the one who makes the coffee or makes the bed.
Do you think the reason why you’re afraid people won’t like the real you, is because you yourself haven’t come to accept the real you yet? It could be a very long journey of self-discovery and facing your fears, but it’s a step that can’t be omitted. I think if you can first love the person you are, then others will be able to see how truly beautiful you are as a human being.
Well after I quit my job, the restaurant has had a couple of replacement bartenders. And every time one of them quits (this happens a lot) they panic because there’s no bartender and call me. Then I’ve got to train the new person. So for the past few months I’ve been their pinch-hitter, even though I quit already. It’s because I can’t bear to let them down. But if either of us are going to get anywhere, we have to start thinking about ourselves first, be willing to say no, and even be a little bit more selfish =]
So here is the cool answer to how to fix a broken soul: one piece at a time, man.
-SethNovember 14, 2012 at 6:46 pm #1440
thank you Seth. you are so wise for such a young man.November 17, 2012 at 8:42 pm #1441
I think Jenny’s problem isn’t related to Selective Mutism heheNovember 17, 2012 at 9:27 pm #1443
I think you are WRONG marjohng! do you not understand that selective mutism is about anxiety? why do you think we are afraid to speak? could it be we are afraid of what people will think of us or say or won’t accept us or “like” us ? have you never sat alone in the school cafeteria because you were afraid to approach others? have you ever gone entire school days without being spoken to or uttering a single word? have you never spent hours crying, wishing just for a single friend? well, if you had, like me, and you finally reach the stage in your life where you can finally step up and approach people and do something about the deep sm fears, like me, maybe then you will understand. no one has just sm only — we all have our own fears and issues — sm just makes dealing with them a lot harder.November 17, 2012 at 9:52 pm #1446
Sorry I missed the idea that your struggle in showing your true self triggers your SM. My only advice to you is just to BE YOURSELF. ALWAYS BE WITH PEOPLE WHOM YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH. And don’t try to please everybody you will just hurt yourself if you do.
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